Guest Post: Spike

Friend: Luciana, It’s Raining Kale

Hey there,

I'm pretty sure she picked this out herself.

awwwsooome

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My favorite food is nutritional yeast. It’s extra tasty on toast and Popcorn, but our mom saves the last corner of her toast so we can grab it from her plate. The toast part is kind of meh. We usually leave that on the carpet or just chase it around.Tortilla chips are also pretty good–nice and salty, but kale and houseplants are delicious. I’d give them five paws each, but I only have four.

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I love it when bags of people food come in the house because it means we get to nibble on fresh green leaves! Sometimes I also like a few bites of the dog’s food. It’s okay, but I’m not that into all the vegetables. It is in nice little pieces, though.

My sister is pretty cool, but she is really, really interested in the humans. She loves rolling around on them, getting them to pet her and stroke her with that insane looking thing they call a brush. Get this–sometimes she even spends hours sleeping on them! Whatever shakes her catnip–I guess.

Who does this?!

Sophisticated, so very sophisticated.

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Now, let me tell you about this dog. She barks a lot and is always trying to sniff our tails. What a weirdo! Sometimes she’ll chase us, then scream, turn around, and run the other way. I’ve never even shown her my claws, so I do not know what her damage is. You didn’t hear this from me, but I’ve even seen her taking joyrides when the humans leave the house.

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I keep thinking they’ve gotten rid of her, but the one with the deep voice keeps bringing her back. I tell you what, I am tired of sharing my house with this whiny little b…uh-oh, I gotta run, my mom is back and I’m not supposed to be using the internet without permission. If she asks, I was sleeping the whole time.

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Patience, grasshopper.

Look at the size of the collard greens they grow here!

Are these leafy greens? I think not.

-At one point, we had a farmshare, and the variety of greens ruled! I’m not sure what Jess did besides take pictures of it, but I was content.

That is, until one awful day….-

Fennel?! Really? Who eats this sh*t?!

These smelled like fire.

My 4th birthday party.

Now, as many of Jess’ friends can attest, I’m the real reason Jess does not keep beer in the house. She’ll tell you it’s gas, or it’s healthy, or it’s because she’s classy and prefers wine and cocktails, but really, it’s me. I’ll lick wine, but what’s the point? There are no bubbles!

I prefer porters and have a soft spot for Portland microbrews, but I’ll drink the heck out of anything made with hops. I’ll sniff out and lick cider, but it’s not really my thing. I just ruin it for everyone else. I’m really excited that Jess’ brother is supposed to come for Thanksgiving, because he always keeps a case of cheap beer in the fridge.-

Sharing is caring, y'all.

Once, I had 4 licks of beer before someone noticed, and fell asleep while Jess read some book about sparkling vampires.

I have fur. Therefore, Team Jacob.

Ah, dessert.

I’m sure you’re wondering…what sucks about life in Portland? Well, I have an awful roommate. His name is Huxley and I think he’s sleeping on a shelf in a closet somewhere. He has no appreciation for the finer things in life.

I thought you may need some more proof of my fine dining skills, so I got this from Jess’ archives:

Sorry, I got nervous on camera!

Thanks for reading, and just remember – anytime you see leafy greens on this blog,  I was there first.

Guest Post: Huxley

Special Friend: Lisa, Panda with Cookie and Vegans on the Move

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. I somehow got my hands on this draft of a letter to the German edition of Cat Fancy, and well, how could I not share it with the world?

Guest Post: Mädchen

Friend: Michele, Vegtastic Voyage

Guest Post: Yummers

Friend: Amey, Vegan Eats & Treats!

what’s that?! Do I smell asparagus in the kitchen??

Listen up now, I’ve got some important advice for any of you kitties out there who might be interested in getting in on the People Food action.

just look at all that kale… you know they’re gonna give me some!

It’s Yummers Potatoes here. You might remember me from Amey’s blog. Today, I’d like to talk about a subject that’s very dear to me, People Food. People Food is pretty good stuff… I’ve had the honor of eating such delicacies as tortilla chips, ice cream, and crackers. But most of all, I love the veggies. Back in the day I was into raisins and mango, but once I discovered veggies, there was just no going back. My favorites are the green veggies, like kale and spinach, broccoli and asparagus, and green beans, but I also really love corn, which is not green.

me eating some awesome asparagus!

Here’s how you can get involved in eating People Food: My tactic was to start off by being very standoffish. When Amey and Matt first adopted me, I was sure to keep my distance. Anytime they tried to pet me, I would scamper off. When we all sat down on the sofa, I would sit three or four feet away. I called this “long distance snuggling.” Soon enough, they were becoming increasingly desperate for snuggles, and they started to offer me tasty little bits of People Food to see if they could draw me in closer. Don’t give in too quickly, friends! Take the morsel and run off again.

this is how you ask for broccoli!

check it out – I got them so excited about giving me People Food that they make movies about it!

Once you have established a pattern of people giving you People Food, you need to learn how to ask for it more aggressively. As soon as you smell the broccoli cooking on the stove top, run into the kitchen and start meowing like crazy. This will send the message that you are interested. When they sit down to eat, jump up on their chair, or on the sofa next to them and look super cute. It might be a good idea to meow some more as well. If you are still not getting any broccoli handouts, you will need to be more proactive. As soon as they lift their fork from the plate, stick out your little paw and try to knock the broccoli off the fork! If it falls to the ground it will be all yours!

see how she thinks I am cuddling her, but actually I am just getting very close to her borscht! 

Best of all, those annoying dogs aren’t allowed to have people food, so I get to enjoy my asparagus and gloat over it while those poor saps stand by and watch. Mwahahahaha!

Good luck, feline friends. Stay strong and may the People Food soon be yours!

Here they are giving me corn. Wait! Why did they give some to the dogs?!

Guest Post: Pudds

Friend: Lauren, Whoa Wren

Greetings, non-feline and feline readers alike. My name is Lord Puddleglum Christensen III. You, however, may call me Pudds, as my formal name is quite a mouthful. I understand that I am to talk about my favorite vegan foods. My caretaker will only allow me to eat the food that is prescribed to me, a hard kibble poured out of a resealable bag, but when she isn’t looking, this is what I would get into if I had opposable thumbs.

Chipotle Burritos/Burrito Bowls: Ah, my owner’s attempts at keeping me away from these spicy beacons of goodness will someday be thwarted! There was one lovely afternoon where I was able to gobble down a bean, lost from his brothers after he fell from the silver, pronged device my owner uses to move the food to her mouth. What an afternoon that was! Full of flavor and spice and dreams.

Nutritional Yeast: The blonde one who feeds me and cleans my mobile bathroom is always putting this yellow substance on her food (something about bee twelve?) and I sometimes am able to steal a taste off her fingers. I live for those moments, but often settle for a long, relaxing belly rub instead.

Roasted vegetables: I have no specific reason for this, I just think they look nice and smell good. The blonde one eats them all the time and I would like to know the reasons for it. Her favorites appear to be the small, green trees, the tan orbs and the orange sticks, so I assume my tastes would run in a similar vein.

Rescue Remedy Pet: Sometimes I need a cocktail at the end of the day. Don’t we all?

The day that my opposable thumb training pays off, and I am able to sample these delights in their full glory, I shall victoriously report back to you with my full opinions. Until then, I bid you adieu and wish you all the delightful experiences you dream of.

Guest Post: Maytag, aka Klepto Kitty

Friend: Marti, aka Tofu Mom, of Vegan Food; More Than Tofu and Sprouts!

Greetings to all the fabulous cat people out there. If you live with a dog, you’re welcome to stop reading now, as they are despicable beasts that I have no tolerance for, (even if my Person insists on letting two of the deranged things live with her. INSIDE the house I might add. )

My name is Maytag and I live on Tofu Mom’s porch. No. I don’t live inside the house. I despise houses. I once lived inside but I spent every spare moment crying my special part-Siamese cry, trying to escape, chewing on screens, clawing at doors, until Tofu Mom, in all her wisdom, let me outside one glorious day and I’ve refused to come in ever since. Tofu Mom and her kittens (well, I guess she calls them children) tried everything to get me back inside but I was quite determined. It all worked out nicely. Now they bring me food and water and I even have a cozy, insulated house here on the porch, why would I ever want to go back inside their house? It’s so.. stuffy and confining.

Besides. I serve a very important purpose out here on the porch!!
You see, I lurk the neighborhood at night and collect gifts for my Tofu Family.
To show them my appreciation for allowing me to live on the porch, of course! I make an effort to bring them something special every morning, arranged artfully on the front steps, or lawn or even the hood of the car if I think they may not notice. I put a lot of time and effort into my gifts!! Lately, however, I’ve become a bit concerned that they don’t appreciate my efforts. I was even locked in the garage for several dreadful weeks, but that stopped when I pulled all the insulation off the hot water heater. Fascinating stuff, insulation. All fluffy and yellow and it flys EVERYWHERE if you scratch it hard enough. I liked the insulation, but not the confinement in the dreaded garage.

Now, help me out here.
I don’t understand why the Tofus are offended by my gifts!!

I understand that they are vegan and don’t eat animals. (I admit, I don’t understand WHY they don’t find mice and frogs as appetizing as I do, but People are strange creatures…)
So, I make an effort to bring them vegan gifts.
No dead animals or headless mice on my Tofu Family’s front steps. Oh no. Every night I manage to procure something I hope they will find quite useful.
Over the years I have brought them:

• garden gloves,
• gloves and mittens
• BBQ Mitts,
• car-wash sponges,
• socks,
• swimsuits,
• men’s boxers and underwear (my favorite!),
• tee shirts
• towels and rags,
• shredded yellow insulation (oh how I love that yellow insulation!)
• and small children’s clothing.

The exact methods I use to collect my nightly gifts are my secret, and I’ll never share the locations where I find them either. But I am very proud of them.
I can’t count – I’m a cat, remember? But I overheard Tofu Mom tell the neighbor I had brought over 500 articles of clothing and gloves over the last five years. That might be a lot, I don’t know, but I do know it’s a LOT of fun to see their reaction every morning. Makes me SO proud.

They have tried to follow me at night, but I’m too good at this. I hide until they give up and go to bed. Amateurs.
The Tofu Family puts up flyers around the neighborhood (calling me “Kepto Kitty” – the NERVE!) trying to give the stuff back, but no one has come to claim anything. They have it all stored in a big box in the garage. Makes me happy that they’re keeping it!

Tofu Mom DID go to the neighbors once, to try and return their little boy’s underwear. The woman did not believe her when she tried to explain that the cat had stolen them. She slammed the door! Hmph. I do NOT steal. I don’t even know what that is. And why she would want to return perfectly good underwear, I do not know! Tofu Mom said she thought the woman was going to call the police on her! See what I mean about not being appreciated?

My biggest haul, this past summer, was sixteen beautiful, brand-new white men’s socks. All in one night! I was so VERY proud. They were matched pairs even. That HAS to count for something! (And I refuse to share where, and how, I’ve collected my prizes! That part is MY secret!)
Tofu Mom tells people about my gifts on FaceBook. Whatever that is. Everyone who visits her wants to pet me, they act like I’m famous. But they have the nerve to LAUGH at my lovely gifts.
Tofu Mom even takes pictures of my gifts, I try to pose by them whenever possible. She says it’s “evidence” and I agree. Evidence that I love my Tofu Family enough to bring them clothing! Vegan gifts! I make sure and purr VERY loudly when she photographs me and my treasures. Maybe I WILL be famous.

Oddly enough I never see them WEARING any of the lovely items I bring. I realize a lot of it is MENS underwear, swim trunks and socks, and there are no men in the Tofu household, but wouldn’t you think they could show their appreciation and model it for me anyway?

Tofu Mom usually acts EMBARRASSED especially when I’ve worked hard to collect (my FAVORITE!) several pairs of men’s boxers in one night (again, my methods are TOP SECRET!). I always make sure to display them creatively across the front lawn.
But she never says “Good Kitty” like I think she should, usually something like “Oh My God, not again!”

What does THAT mean anyway? Maybe I’ve arranged them wrong. I’ll try and do better next time. She says it looks like she kicked her boyfriend out and threw his stuff on the lawn. Well THAT makes no sense either. She has no boyfriend living here. Maybe I could find her one if I collect more men’s clothing? I wonder.

During the winter, I admit, my collection activities slow down. The Tofu Family speculates it’s because people aren’t leaving clothing hanging in their yards and by their swimming pools and such. Maybe I just need a break? Did they ever think of that? I’m storing up energy so I can collect full time next summer. Besides, who wants to lurk in the rain? I’m just so happy that the neighbors haven’t caught on, and continue to leave me plenty of nice items. If any of you ever decide to move into Tofu Mom’s neighborhood, please make sure you have a lot of gifts that I can bring her. That would make me happy.

Guest Post: Nero and Susu

Friends: Eve and Paula

My name is Argelian.  Humans call me Nero, and those closest to me also refer to me as Winky or Winkus, but I try to ignore that.  Life in San Diego is pretty good.  Both the tall and the short human that I live with are very nice despite raising their voices by at least an octave when they talk to me. Don’t they know how grating that can be to a cat’s ears? Nonetheless, they feed me when I ask and let me sit on their laps or on their papers or keyboards. Where ever it’s warm.

Recently, I called up to my home planet, Felinus 6, because I felt like I needed a little more help in gathering all the data I need from the humans in this house.  They were kind enough to send down a young recruit named Susu. The humans must be more intuitive than I thought because they named her Susu Watari. Susu has been very helpful in gathering data for me and she’s also very warm so we nap together, which the humans seem to love and take pictures of constantly.

One of our favorite things about Earth is the food, and we especially like to eat the same food that the humans eat.  Sometimes, though, the food they are eating will smell really good and I will sniff it and ask for some, but when they give it to me, I lose my appetite and have to just walk away.  Something I can never resist though, is a substance called Tofurkey.  It’s salty and smokey and just SO GOOD!  I will literally claw up someone’s leg to get it.  They even make a peppered variety, which I love.  I wish I could have it more often!

Susu, being a younger and more adventurous cat than I, will try ANYTHING!  She even loves peanut shells, but I’m not sure that she realizes they are not food.  She has also eaten figs and something called keenwa? I can’t be sure of the spelling, but it does not look very good to me.

We are slowly but surely collecting all our research, but sometimes it’s hard to get in a lot of work between naps, outdoor excursions and couch scratching. (Isn’t it nice of them to buy these huge couches just for us to sharpen our claws on?).  I should get some more work done today, but I think I’ll take a short rest in an open pizza box on the counter.  It smells great in there and it’s very cozy!

Guest Post: Fizzle

Friend: Isa Chandra Moskowitz, The PPK

Your lap is mine.

Hello, my name is Fizzle Moskowitz and I am the author of Vegan with a Vengeance. Yeah, it says Isa Chandra Moskowitz on the cover but my lawyer will tell you who really wrote it. I live with my sister Avocado and a fluffy orange nuisance named Kirby. When I’m not writing cookbooks I’m scratching the couch or sleeping. Sometimes I sit on your lap until you legs go numb. All in a days work!

I guess the thing people most often ask me is “Why did you stop writing cookbooks?” Well, I’ve been pretty quiet about it but I think it’s time to break my silence.

After authoring Vegan With A Vengeance, things with Isa changed. She started playing kitty ball with me less and less, and petting me only half-heartedly. I’d sit on her lap while she droned out at the computer refreshing her Amazon page over and over and over again. Now, neglect is one thing, but what came next pushed me over the edege.

She makes me stuff gift bags for her charity.

The royalties started pouring in, billions of dollars (I think, I can’t count, I’m a cat) but my cat food remained suspiciously the same. Meanwhile, Isa was eating the most expensive imported tofus, handpicked black beans and kales made of gold. I hid my toys under the couch, expecting new and exciting toys. Instead, she found my old toys and tried to act like nothing was wrong, like I should just play with those. She had brand new vegan shoes, why didn’t I have brand new toys??!?!

She keeps me in a box.

And then came the creative differences. The next book had to be special, obvs, and I was working overtime developing concepts. I finally came up with “Vegan Nutritional Yeast And Cantaloupe Take Over The World.” I mean, people, have you tried that? Together? It’s like crack-nip! (As a side note, sometimes I like to knock the nutritional yeast over and roll in it.)

But Isa insisted on cupcakes. Cupcakes! I’m totally serious! So now, instead of a book that people can actually use, there’s a ridiculous book about cupcakes collecting dust in a warehouse somewhere. And I hate the shape, it’s too square!

Get me out of this tire prison!

So, that’s the ugly truth right there. And you should also know that she prances around the house in a faux fur bathrobe and Burger King crown crowing “I am the vegan queen! I am the vegan queen!” Meanwhile, I’m on a leash in the backyard. And every single one of you is culpable.

Get this leash off of me!!!!

Fizz, that was eye-opening! I take back all my years of recipe testing, and I really  hope you negotiated for a percentage of the pie book.  Poor baby!

Since I’m busy elsewhere during MoFo month, I asked some special friends to help out over here. You have no idea the amount of strings I had to pull (and toss) to get this internet sensation to  sit down and share some deep thoughts. 

Remember my face.

Guest Blogger: Buhbah
Special Friend: Gabrielle, Vegans on the Move

A Cat’s Guide to Vegans, by Buhbah.

Some might call me a “scrapper from way back,” some, more accurately, “Buhbah.” Even though I’m afraid of leaves (those fuckers are shifty!), I think I’m pretty much the most streetwise cat on the block.

Case in point, I was living with this annoying-as-all-hell dog, two snotty indoor cats (look, it doesn’t matter if I actually sleep inside all day, I want the option to go on a little walkabout), and some people who fed me the wrong food, among other crimes. I noticed when a tall one and a still-kinda-tall-but-shorter-than-the-dude-one moved in next-door, and I saw an opportunity.

Hello, humans.

Strutting through their yard looking irresistibly cute, staring in through their kitchen window as they made dinner, purring and knocking my head enjoyably against every hard surface in their house—it took maybe a month for my plan to reaching completion, and probably only another month for me to become the internet sensation that I am today.

But what does all of this have to do with vegans? Yo, vegans are the shit. Shorter one is vegan, and as such, she is wired to be obsessed with cats and there is always, always, nutritional yeast on her desk somewhere (Agnes knows what’s up!).  Shorter one makes all kinds of delicious-smelling shit—I mean, I’ll stick with my tuna—but I’ll definitely rub myself up against shorter one in the kitchen when she’s juggling tomato soup-making, stovetop mushroom smoking, tempeh marinating, and that really horrible immersion blender thing. I kinda like Cheezly. Tofurky’s aiight.

Before they installed the kitty door, I creeped around. A lot.

The two best snugglers whom have visited taller one and shorter one in recent months are vegan. The first one was this blog’s very own Jess, who is a master cat whisperer and knows I like to be under the blankets. The second is my homegirl, who is actually a Panda Cookie, the creator of my most treasured possession: the catnip carrot, that, due to my fame, is now dubbed The Buhbah. I might be addicted to catnip, but no human watching a cute fur-ball such as myself rolling around with a pirate carrot, high out of his mind, is gonna judge.

Hanging out with Jay. aka the Taller One.

Basically, vegans are god’s gift to cats. Most of them appreciate that we don’t want to eat their weird tofu and stuff, but they love us all the same. Buhbah out.

Out.